fifteen days.

there are fifteen days before my 25th birthday, so i'm sitting and writing and reflecting on my life, which i suppose is what you do when there are a mere two weeks standing between you and your 25th birthday.

reflecting on things such as...

i want to move, i can't wait to move.
i want a surprise birthday party. how does one go about getting herself a surprise birthday party when it's supposed to be a surprise but the idea of one needs to get into the heads of those who can throw said surprise birthday party? and if it were to be, of course, the DREAM surprise birthday party, how would one get all her friends that she hasn't seen and semi-desperately needs to see all in one place for said surprise birthday party?
why am i obsessing over a surprise birthday party?
maybe i just want a party. i haven't been to a party since college.
get-togethers, sure, but not a party. or maybe i'm just yearning for some sort of bigger get-together. champagne and candles and shots of vodka and friends and laughter and music and dancing and drunkenness.
everyone together, united by fun and freedom.
i'm tired of routine, yet i love it. but i need it to shake itself a bit. i need a day job, something to do with myself other than hang about and watch tv and read. and blog.
i need to write a book.
if not now, then WHEN?
and what would i write about?
france. randolph-macon woman's college. being a broke post-grad waiting tables and needing more and more and more out of life. the past, the present, the future. an autobiography of an almost-25 year old who wonders what she's done with her life.
what have i done with my life?
i'm 25 years old and my biggest accomplishment remains graduating from college and that was almost two and a half years ago and shouldn't i have done something meaningful by now?
meaningful to myself, meaningful to others...shouldn't i have made some sort of difference, some sort of dent on society by now? isn't that what randolph-macon woman's college was all about?
i still feel independent, smart, feminine, feminist, strong, loyal, all those characteristics that have been instilled in me throughout the years and throughout my experiences, but what have i done with it?
people my age and younger are getting married, having children, getting good jobs, pursuing their dreams, traveling, studying, continuing with their life and while i stand here, content, i'm doing just that.
i'm standing. i'm sort of still.
so i work and i work and i work and run and run and run around and try to keep so busy and take so much pride in what i do, know that, but there's just something shameful about answering 'so what do you do?' with 'i'm a server' at almost 25 years old.
will this improve after i start and finish hair school and become a hairstylist? i surely hope and believe so. it's a small dream, but ever so much bigger than i ever thought, but it is my dream and i have to continue to stand still, and be content and work towards it and be okay with being physically still and mentally a bit manic.
the thoughts zip around my head and bang into things. they've always done that.

so i think. that's what i've done in my almost 25 years of life here. i think and i ponder and i analyze and i like to believe whole-heartedly that i grow. i'm still, but i evolve.

i'm still, accompanied by my dreams, my writing, my sharing, my family, my work, my manic thoughts.

c'est bien pour le moment. et j'espere que je puisse vivre dans ce moment.