as taken from my journal...

i wrote today, but decided perhaps it was a sentiment worth sharing with the internet world. amusez-vous bien, mes amis:

>>i recently found an old webshots album online. i posted some pre-france and first semester france photos on this site, in the pre-facebook days and then forgot about them almost completely.

seeing some paris pictures 1) reminded me that, actually, i kind of love paris and 2) inspired me to cut my straight-across bangs. again. i seem to get into a bangs mood every two years. 2005. 2007. now it's 2009...

those first bangs, 2005, were cut during an evening in angers, as i was holed up in my little bedroom, trying to stay warm as christmas and a brief parisian vacation approached.

i remember being slightly terrified as i took that first chop, a big one, one where there was no option of backing out, with a pair of just regular old scissors.

it was exhilarating.

there was a slight, short-lived moment of regret, but as i layered on cute french-y clothes, i found myself feeling more chic, more french, une vraie francaise, une vraie parisienne. it sounds funny, but something in me clicked and i found myself experimenting more with clothes than i ever had in the us. mixing colors, patterns, textures, layering with scarves and jewelry, and accessories. hats, which i had never really thought to wear before.

i felt myself feeling more poised, confident, dangerous, sexy, mysterious. i could wear more eye makeup...coquette-ishly glance through my new fringe, batting my eyelashes, smiling flirtatiously, smiling confidently.

i was an american who had a grasp, a true, strong grasp, on the french culture, on the french language.

from there, i vacationed with my friends jeremy and tranisha through the streets, the museums, the late night bars and parties of paris, making new, one night only friendships.

we heard the bells of notre dame chiming midnight on december 25th while drinking champagne from plastic cups and eating chocolates in our pajamas. we ventured into the cold streets looking to see if anything was open, if there was anything to do, invigorated by the cold and the bubbly and the last-chance feeling of it all, and we took what we thought were vodka shots (which turned out to be tequila), toasting the holiday with strangers. we danced, we skipped, we ran through the night, stayed up until 6am, downing violet and rose infused vodka and having drunken "intellectual" and pseudo-intellectual conversation and ill-informed discussions on religion with randoms. jeremy shared an early morning kiss with a pretty french girl and everyone laughed.

it was one of the coolest nights i've ever spent, just feeling beautiful and young and indestructible.




and every two years or so, i get some of that experience, that emotion, that poise, that confidence, that very same feeling back.

i want to infuse my vodka with violets and roses and roam around dark, cold streets, warmed by the company of good friends, new friends, and strangers, warmed by the most fashionable coats and scarves, warmed by the beauty of the world and the knowledge that i have a place in it.<<

anyone else remember a time when they had this feeling? tell me your story. i know that i have plenty.

thrilling

the word of the day is thrilling. i've been thinking about the future near (my birthday, my job, ma vie quotidienne) and far (north carolina, moving, novelty) and the only word that keeps popping into my head is thrilling. i am thrilled for everything today.

the sky is so clear, the leaves changing as much as they do here, rustling in the breeze across the ground and i have no doubt that much of my optimistic view today has to do with just the physicality, the weather of this day. it's beautiful, so bright.

i'm hanging out with my coffee, listening to music, with all the windows open, letting in the very slightest of chills, feeling so good about everything!

last night was a great one at the restaurant. it wasn't the busiest of nights, far from it, but we had great people and a brand spanking new fall menu that i'm so excited about (who woulda' EVER thought that i'd be considering ordering BEEF TARTARE for my birthday dinner the day after tomorrow? but, gahhh, it's freakin' delicious!), and a fantastic staff. there were these two girls out celebrating one of their birthdays who had brady as their server. they were fun, just eating and drinking, and taking their time, and really enjoying themselves and each other's company. to say it reminded me of caitlin and myself is obvious, but they did and while i envied them that, i feel like all of us really fed off their joie de vivre last night, which was refreshing and really, really nice.

they went outside for a cigarette break and i had just gotten off, so i was having a little chat with rachel who had come in to eat earlier that evening. brady came out to check on them and they demanded, 'a birthday song, dance, skit! we want a birthday skit! like monty python' and brady and i reluctantly obliged, being the professional servers we are. what the customer wants, the customer gets, dammmit. right?! so we put on a short skit, british accents and everything.

i've realized something as i've grown up through the years, and i'll actually credit nate with said realization, as he's been a big part of it.

everyone needs to play. just play. be goofy, be silly, be stupid, and don't care a bit about how you look or sound or seem to other people. chances are, you'll just look like you're having a darn good time and that kind of fun is infectious.

so we put on our skit, and taking a cue from SNL, couldn't end it for the life of us, but it was appreciated by the birthday girl and that's all that mattered. some stranger celebrating her birthday at the restaurant, just joking around, demanded a skit. and i feel like we made her night. she had delicious wine, delicious food, and entertainment to boot. i love those nights when serving tables actually feels like it makes some sort of difference. like i can control peoples' moods, almost, or like i am in charge of some stranger's happiness. for just that hour, or those few hours, i have the power to help them have an unforgettable birthday, anniversary, friday night, random monday night. it must be similar to how an actor feels, a comedian feels, or a hairstylist feels (which is a MONSTROUS reason why i want to be one)--making people think, laugh, and be beautiful respectively is, in many senses, a power.

and to bring it back, power is a thrill in itself.

the unknown is also thrilling. next year i'll be celebrating my birthday in a new state, a new town, and, for all intents and purposes, a new restaurant. and no one knows what it's going to be like. different foods, different stores, different friends, a brand new routine. a new school for nate with different students and different colleagues. but after last night and this gorgeous, energizing, invigorating day, this sense of power, of well-being, of general contentment and accomplishment, the thrill is knowing that i'm going to be way more than fine, wherever i end up.

sans aucune doute.

mon anniversaire.

my birthday is in a mere nine days! almost october, tomorrow is the first official day of autumn, and here it is, what? eighty-five degrees and stupid-humid? i need seasons! it doesn't even feel like my birthday when it's this warm outside. but, and as a sort of 'rebuttal' almost of my last blog, i've been mentally preparing for the fun, optimistic, exciting part of my birthday: what i'm planning to do!

first of all, i want to wake up at a nice, normal-ish, decent hour and head to the gym. the gym always gets my days off to a good start. it's so hard to get there, to leave my nice comfy bed and my terribly snuggly cat, but sometimes that's just what it takes. my days are always, always worse when i don't go the gym; the slightest little aura of non-productivity clouds everything else i do, no matter how productive i am throughout the rest of the day. so on my birthday, of all days, the gym is totally necessary.

i plan to take the longest, warmest shower next, letting all my muscles relax and be happy birthday muscles. i'll make myself a big breakfast and watch some television, and read some blogs, the usual, taking my time, letting the birthday glow surround me.

next, i hope to have gotten a few gift certificates/money/have saved some money up, so i can take a little solo shopping trip. perhaps i'll hit up ulta and buy a bottle of perfume, or finally invest in a chi straightening iron. perhaps i'll drop in target and buy sweaters and dresses and colorful tights.

after shopping til i drop, i believe a birthday mani-pedi is in order. i want to wear OPI's either 'you don't know jacques' or 'tickle my france-y' or perhaps a fingers-toes combo of les deux?



after that, as tradition seems to be dictating (as this will be the third year in a row!!), a birthday dinner at solstice will be in order, nullifying all my gym efforts of that morning. full disclosure: solstice is my motivation for the gym. you should see me the morning of a wine dinner!

i love going to a nice dinner on my birthday. i've never really been the "i'm headed to a bar and taking shots and blacking out" girl on my birthday. it's usually been about going out for desserts, or splitting a bottle of wine, or glasses of champagne, and above all dressing up. even when i was dressing up to not even go anywhere. i love dressing up on my birthday and eating good food and being around people who make me laugh and having a couple (a few...) cocktails, and just skipping and dancing around and relishing the free-spiritedness of celebrating my existence!

so to say i'm excited seems to be an understatement. my only wish is that i had a girlfriend to share all of this with. the shopping and the pampering at least. the birthday dinner has been more of a nate-and-emma thing, although getting a huge group of my oldest and dearest friends together and infiltrating the private dining room has its temptations as well. one of these days, caitlin will find a way to be with me on the day, just as one of these days, i'll find some way to with her on her day too. these are the realities of life after college, folks!

either way, my positivity remains. i just can't wait! even while i'm being so strange and introspective and 'what have i done with my life?' i'm still super-excited about being twenty-five. i guess i'll officially be mid-twenties, and that's neat.

aux anniversaires, mes amis! un jour pour seulement vous; est-ce qu'il y a quelque chose plus parfaite?

(in other news, my french is failing.)

fifteen days.

there are fifteen days before my 25th birthday, so i'm sitting and writing and reflecting on my life, which i suppose is what you do when there are a mere two weeks standing between you and your 25th birthday.

reflecting on things such as...

i want to move, i can't wait to move.
i want a surprise birthday party. how does one go about getting herself a surprise birthday party when it's supposed to be a surprise but the idea of one needs to get into the heads of those who can throw said surprise birthday party? and if it were to be, of course, the DREAM surprise birthday party, how would one get all her friends that she hasn't seen and semi-desperately needs to see all in one place for said surprise birthday party?
why am i obsessing over a surprise birthday party?
maybe i just want a party. i haven't been to a party since college.
get-togethers, sure, but not a party. or maybe i'm just yearning for some sort of bigger get-together. champagne and candles and shots of vodka and friends and laughter and music and dancing and drunkenness.
everyone together, united by fun and freedom.
i'm tired of routine, yet i love it. but i need it to shake itself a bit. i need a day job, something to do with myself other than hang about and watch tv and read. and blog.
i need to write a book.
if not now, then WHEN?
and what would i write about?
france. randolph-macon woman's college. being a broke post-grad waiting tables and needing more and more and more out of life. the past, the present, the future. an autobiography of an almost-25 year old who wonders what she's done with her life.
what have i done with my life?
i'm 25 years old and my biggest accomplishment remains graduating from college and that was almost two and a half years ago and shouldn't i have done something meaningful by now?
meaningful to myself, meaningful to others...shouldn't i have made some sort of difference, some sort of dent on society by now? isn't that what randolph-macon woman's college was all about?
i still feel independent, smart, feminine, feminist, strong, loyal, all those characteristics that have been instilled in me throughout the years and throughout my experiences, but what have i done with it?
people my age and younger are getting married, having children, getting good jobs, pursuing their dreams, traveling, studying, continuing with their life and while i stand here, content, i'm doing just that.
i'm standing. i'm sort of still.
so i work and i work and i work and run and run and run around and try to keep so busy and take so much pride in what i do, know that, but there's just something shameful about answering 'so what do you do?' with 'i'm a server' at almost 25 years old.
will this improve after i start and finish hair school and become a hairstylist? i surely hope and believe so. it's a small dream, but ever so much bigger than i ever thought, but it is my dream and i have to continue to stand still, and be content and work towards it and be okay with being physically still and mentally a bit manic.
the thoughts zip around my head and bang into things. they've always done that.

so i think. that's what i've done in my almost 25 years of life here. i think and i ponder and i analyze and i like to believe whole-heartedly that i grow. i'm still, but i evolve.

i'm still, accompanied by my dreams, my writing, my sharing, my family, my work, my manic thoughts.

c'est bien pour le moment. et j'espere que je puisse vivre dans ce moment.

sha-sha.

that's actually someone's name, sha-sha.

so how do you pronounce it?

sha sha? shay sha? shay shay? sha shay?

nope! none of those, in fact. you pronounce it...

SHADASHA. sha dash a. sha DASH sha. shadasha.

tell me that isn't the most amazing thing you've ever heard! you'd be a liar. unless, of course, you're referring to one of her friends, la-sha. ladasha.

when i'm having a bad day, i think that sorta' sitting back and being happy my name isn't sha-sha will totally snap me out of it.

awesome.

long time, no blog...

the last time i wrote, it was almost spring and here it is, almost fall. well, sort of. as almost fall as it can get, i suppose. earlier today i was laying out at the pool, soaking up what i keep thinking is the last bit of sun and heat and i'll be doing that until they lock up the pool, because i like it. it's sauna-like and cleansing, and i enjoy the light reading that always accompanies it. don't worry, i'm using sunscreen, everyone.

i am ready for some brisk weather. just that slight edge of crispness in the air. and, in no way does fall here compare with virginia (or saratoga springs, for that matter, which i experienced last year), but fall is fall and fall is nice.

i'll take any and all changes i can get these days. if that means something as simple as the slightest dip in temperature, so be it. i've been craving change. novelty. something big, but something small will do. i'm definitely ready to move.

unfortunately, i'll have to wait for the big move. after visiting carrboro/chapel hill, nate and i decided for sure we would plan to move there. it's as perfect for us as we thought, if not more so. a small town, but with stuff happening everywhere. a bit more idea of weather and seasons, which is a welcome change. here, it's just summer, summer, summer, then grayness that people call winter. no snow, no colorful fall, just heat, heat, heat, then-boom-it's freezing. yes, that's an exaggeration, but come winter and during the middle of summer, that's always how i feel.

either way, enough about weather, because north carolina has even more going for it. great restaurants, great, interesting, diverse people, an aveda hair school, a real sense of community and hospitality. not 'southern hospitality,' where people ask how you are without the slightest interest in your answer, but real hospitality, where people are willing to answer your silly questions and show you around and are effusively into their town and proud of it. ask someone from carrboro/chapel hill, 'hey, you like where you're from?' and they'll write you a ten paragraph email going on and on about how awesome everything is, from the mall to the food to the grocery store to the trails you can go bike riding on. ask someone from here and the most common answer i've been receiving lately is, 'ehh...'

i know i sound like i'm down on where i am, and i am. and i can't move now, because i don't have the money and nate has to finish out the school year and i'd like to finish out the year at solstice, make some money, save up for hair school and moving and everything. and i like having this goal, the goal of north carolina, the goal of starting over, the goal of hair school and following some sort of path to an actual career.

sometimes i have to remind myself that it's a goal, something towards which i'm working, and i have to remind myself to be content for now. part of me feels like i'm waiting for my real life to begin. i know i've written about this before. i wonder if all those people my age, even the ones who seem so happy and settled, especially the ones who seem so happy and settled, feel the same way? are we all just ever so slightly lost, just waiting?

this has been quite a rambling entry, and perhaps my next will be more organized? one can only hope.

a la prochaine, mes amis.

what a gorgeous day!

i've said it before, and i'll say it again: i wish i had a laptop, if only to be able to blog on my balcony in the sunshine. it's a beautiful day! it's the kind of day that lets me reminisce about studying in my bikini on front campus and lets me look forward to days at the pool with erica, drinking beers and talking about girly things. i love this kind of weather. sometimes i think maybe it's not fall that i hold in my heart as my favorite season, but rather spring. there's this sense of joy, of awakening, of everyone emerging from their coccoons of clothing, everyone shedding their skins of scarves and sweaters. i love opening my windows and turning my music up, of skipping past the melancholy winter songs and reveling in the super happiness of those catchy summery lyrics.

adding to my excitement and general contentment is the fact that april is soooo soon! i knew, as soon as i made plans, that march would drag, but in fact april is rapidly approaching and i couldn't be more ecstatic.

i'm so freaking excited about going to dc, visiting nate's family and friends and saying hello to everyone there, wrapping myself up in this sweet idea of city life, an idea from which i usually recoil, but vacations in nate's hometown with him are the best. he knows the tastiest places to eat, the most fun places to drink, the coolest people.

from there, we fly out to new york city! i've never been to nyc, never in my life, something that surprises most people who know me. but i've never been! it's true!

i can barely bear the idea of seeing caitlin again, it's just too wonderful a thought. by the time we see each other, it will have been almost exactly a year and a half since the last time we saw each other in person and while i'm thankful we've been able to keep in touch fairly well, there's just something so.much.better seeing her in person. i can't wait to see her beautiful face. i can't wait to see her smile, instead of hearing it through the telephone. she and i have something so special and not a day goes by when i don't relish our friendship and feel completely in love with what we have, but sometimes it gets so fucking tired, not seeing her. this is the girl who, when we didn't see each other for a DAY, would shriek, 'i missed you yesterday!' and now it's been a year and a half. so to say i'm excited, and to overuse that word utterly, is an understatement. i'm thrilled, truly. and to able to share my very first trip with her is fabulous and then add nate to the mix, and it's almost ridiculous, the sheer perfection. a miniscule part of me keeps whispering in the back of my head, 'ohhh, emma, you better hope you don't get sick in april, becuase you're totally due for an illness.' i'm gonna be flooding my system with vitamin c, sunshine, and exercise. it will battle any and all of my vices.



from there, we head back to dc for a quick stop, then it's on to carrboro, NC! this is the place that nate and i have semi-decided we might want to make our home relatively shortly. however, we've never even been there! so we're gonna make a little day trip out of it. i think, weather-wise, it'll be fantastic timing and i'm anxious to feel out the sweet, small town that i think could be really perfect.

add to all of that amazingness the fact that sean will be nearby on april 27th and i'm going to go up and visit him while he's on tour, and april is shaping up to be the best month of the year!



j'ai voulu de partager avec vous, mes amis. vive les printemps!

new post!

so here i am, 2009, back with a new post. how terribly exciting.

i've been reading back through all my France Journals lately (yes, i capitalize) and realizing how much i've grown since then, and for so many different reasons. it's self-absorbed, sure, but only in the most positive manner, i'm maintaining.

i've been writing more lately, in my real journal (because sometimes, most of the time, a blog simply won't cut it), so for those who ever get to read it, some of this may be a bit repetitive (nate.)

but if you, the general you, the you who read this whoever you may be, ever get the chance to read something old, from years ago, from a different time, from a different you, be it a journal, a diary, an essay, a letter, a to-do list, whatever it is, whatever you call it, you get to see this amazing journey you've taken.

a bit about mine: from france until now, so from....2005 until 2009, four years, it's insane to see the evolving.

from subsisting on cafe cremes and expensive cigarettes to maintaining a relatively healthy diet (and smoking less expensive cigarettes...and drinking less expensive coffee), from skipping classes to a newly developed real sense of work ethic (consider this: we're open six days a week. i work five, consistently. for quick, crazy hours at a time, granted, it's a restaurant, but still), from my almost neverending wails of 'where is the boy for me?!' to this boy of mine.

from completely overdrawing from every account known to any bank to which i belonged (seemingly, at least) to opening a savings account, paying my bills on time, paying my rent, paying my credit card, paying all my many, many loans. from binge drinking until the wee hours of morning to enjoying a couple beers after work and making it to bed by midnight.

it's the little things, it's the Big Things, it's everything. and while this blog illustrates an almost-too responsible (?) person, i think there's still a certain element of fun, of daring, of enthusiasm that i bring to the table, in any and all situations.

and to read back over the Journals, it's even more interesting to see what's stayed the same, a constant of sorts for years, if not decades. my passion for art, my love and appreciation of nature, of people, of observation. my love for my friends, my support for them and my resolve for them to always be near to my heart if not near in physical proximity. sean. caitlin. stephenie. my love for my school. my interest and curiosity in south carolina and society here, these customs that were more foreign to me then than anything in france, remain just as foreign. my desire to love with all of my heart, just one person, just one man, to be completely enveloped by a powerful, restorative kind of love, that longing, that yearning, that need...it's been realized in the most special and beautiful of ways.

i'm just so thrilled, really, to be me. and i love to write, and to read, and to remember, and to record everything so i can fully realize all of it, while it's happening, after it's happened, and look forward to all the new adventures.

and i have every confidence that the adventures are ready for me.