moving

we helped some friends load up the uhaul today...i feel like an awesome friend. people always say true friends will help you move and that is true, because moving is awful and only people who reeeeally love you are going to willingly put themselves through that.

helping them today definitely doesn't make me more excited to do the same thing...packing and moving and loading and carrying and sweating it all out on these southern summer days that are so horrifically hot.

but seeing a moving truck and boxes stacked up and everything... it was a lovely picture of my new, rapidly approaching future.

i haven't blogged in seven months, you say?

you thought i was over it, didn't you, mes amis? never to blog again! you heaved sighs of relief, or you cried tears of disappointment. either way, i'm back.

i've been busy, not even within life per se, but within my own head. i'm always thinking. about something. everything from how to budget for the next few months to what i want to order from starbucks to how much i love my boyfriend.

nate and i are moving and i couldn't be happier. we always said we'd give this place three years and then move on. we just didn't see ourselves living here for any really long period of time. three years was enough to sort of establish ourselves within our jobs and it was nice for me to be so close to family for that time, right after college graduation. but it's been three years and so here we go.

i'm trying to think back on any experience i've had moving and i will confess: as much as i've moved place to place to place, i've never had to actually really pack. i've always had mom, packer and mover extraordinaire to do that for me. she's a pro, really. i'm thankful to be moving in the summer, when she is available to help me a bit, packing and moving here and then helping to decorate and make the new place homey and cute and perfect there.

i'll miss seeing her almost every week, hanging out together with a bottle of bubbly, talking about tv shows and venting about work. hopefully she'll visit a lot. and hopefully, i'll be able to visit a bit as well.

the promise and optimism that comes with unpacking makes packing a bit easier to deal with. i can't wait.

leaving the restaurant will be bittersweet, but i'm fully aware that it's the right time for me to go. it's time for me to move on...to a new restaurant, probably. but we'll see. we've got a place, but neither nate nor i have jobs, which is terrifying (and rather exhilarating). while there is a sense of fear in the air, the unknown is also a bit exciting...talk to me in two months when all my money's run out and i still don't have a job, and i will kill you for quoting me saying that it's exciting. i'm sure it won't come to that.

expect more updates from NC when i'm all moved in. hopefully, i'll do better with this blog and we'll go through it together. for now i'm just looking forward to working super hard and trying to get together with friends and family here before i move forward in my life.

a mes aventures nouveaux!

as taken from my journal...

i wrote today, but decided perhaps it was a sentiment worth sharing with the internet world. amusez-vous bien, mes amis:

>>i recently found an old webshots album online. i posted some pre-france and first semester france photos on this site, in the pre-facebook days and then forgot about them almost completely.

seeing some paris pictures 1) reminded me that, actually, i kind of love paris and 2) inspired me to cut my straight-across bangs. again. i seem to get into a bangs mood every two years. 2005. 2007. now it's 2009...

those first bangs, 2005, were cut during an evening in angers, as i was holed up in my little bedroom, trying to stay warm as christmas and a brief parisian vacation approached.

i remember being slightly terrified as i took that first chop, a big one, one where there was no option of backing out, with a pair of just regular old scissors.

it was exhilarating.

there was a slight, short-lived moment of regret, but as i layered on cute french-y clothes, i found myself feeling more chic, more french, une vraie francaise, une vraie parisienne. it sounds funny, but something in me clicked and i found myself experimenting more with clothes than i ever had in the us. mixing colors, patterns, textures, layering with scarves and jewelry, and accessories. hats, which i had never really thought to wear before.

i felt myself feeling more poised, confident, dangerous, sexy, mysterious. i could wear more eye makeup...coquette-ishly glance through my new fringe, batting my eyelashes, smiling flirtatiously, smiling confidently.

i was an american who had a grasp, a true, strong grasp, on the french culture, on the french language.

from there, i vacationed with my friends jeremy and tranisha through the streets, the museums, the late night bars and parties of paris, making new, one night only friendships.

we heard the bells of notre dame chiming midnight on december 25th while drinking champagne from plastic cups and eating chocolates in our pajamas. we ventured into the cold streets looking to see if anything was open, if there was anything to do, invigorated by the cold and the bubbly and the last-chance feeling of it all, and we took what we thought were vodka shots (which turned out to be tequila), toasting the holiday with strangers. we danced, we skipped, we ran through the night, stayed up until 6am, downing violet and rose infused vodka and having drunken "intellectual" and pseudo-intellectual conversation and ill-informed discussions on religion with randoms. jeremy shared an early morning kiss with a pretty french girl and everyone laughed.

it was one of the coolest nights i've ever spent, just feeling beautiful and young and indestructible.




and every two years or so, i get some of that experience, that emotion, that poise, that confidence, that very same feeling back.

i want to infuse my vodka with violets and roses and roam around dark, cold streets, warmed by the company of good friends, new friends, and strangers, warmed by the most fashionable coats and scarves, warmed by the beauty of the world and the knowledge that i have a place in it.<<

anyone else remember a time when they had this feeling? tell me your story. i know that i have plenty.

thrilling

the word of the day is thrilling. i've been thinking about the future near (my birthday, my job, ma vie quotidienne) and far (north carolina, moving, novelty) and the only word that keeps popping into my head is thrilling. i am thrilled for everything today.

the sky is so clear, the leaves changing as much as they do here, rustling in the breeze across the ground and i have no doubt that much of my optimistic view today has to do with just the physicality, the weather of this day. it's beautiful, so bright.

i'm hanging out with my coffee, listening to music, with all the windows open, letting in the very slightest of chills, feeling so good about everything!

last night was a great one at the restaurant. it wasn't the busiest of nights, far from it, but we had great people and a brand spanking new fall menu that i'm so excited about (who woulda' EVER thought that i'd be considering ordering BEEF TARTARE for my birthday dinner the day after tomorrow? but, gahhh, it's freakin' delicious!), and a fantastic staff. there were these two girls out celebrating one of their birthdays who had brady as their server. they were fun, just eating and drinking, and taking their time, and really enjoying themselves and each other's company. to say it reminded me of caitlin and myself is obvious, but they did and while i envied them that, i feel like all of us really fed off their joie de vivre last night, which was refreshing and really, really nice.

they went outside for a cigarette break and i had just gotten off, so i was having a little chat with rachel who had come in to eat earlier that evening. brady came out to check on them and they demanded, 'a birthday song, dance, skit! we want a birthday skit! like monty python' and brady and i reluctantly obliged, being the professional servers we are. what the customer wants, the customer gets, dammmit. right?! so we put on a short skit, british accents and everything.

i've realized something as i've grown up through the years, and i'll actually credit nate with said realization, as he's been a big part of it.

everyone needs to play. just play. be goofy, be silly, be stupid, and don't care a bit about how you look or sound or seem to other people. chances are, you'll just look like you're having a darn good time and that kind of fun is infectious.

so we put on our skit, and taking a cue from SNL, couldn't end it for the life of us, but it was appreciated by the birthday girl and that's all that mattered. some stranger celebrating her birthday at the restaurant, just joking around, demanded a skit. and i feel like we made her night. she had delicious wine, delicious food, and entertainment to boot. i love those nights when serving tables actually feels like it makes some sort of difference. like i can control peoples' moods, almost, or like i am in charge of some stranger's happiness. for just that hour, or those few hours, i have the power to help them have an unforgettable birthday, anniversary, friday night, random monday night. it must be similar to how an actor feels, a comedian feels, or a hairstylist feels (which is a MONSTROUS reason why i want to be one)--making people think, laugh, and be beautiful respectively is, in many senses, a power.

and to bring it back, power is a thrill in itself.

the unknown is also thrilling. next year i'll be celebrating my birthday in a new state, a new town, and, for all intents and purposes, a new restaurant. and no one knows what it's going to be like. different foods, different stores, different friends, a brand new routine. a new school for nate with different students and different colleagues. but after last night and this gorgeous, energizing, invigorating day, this sense of power, of well-being, of general contentment and accomplishment, the thrill is knowing that i'm going to be way more than fine, wherever i end up.

sans aucune doute.

mon anniversaire.

my birthday is in a mere nine days! almost october, tomorrow is the first official day of autumn, and here it is, what? eighty-five degrees and stupid-humid? i need seasons! it doesn't even feel like my birthday when it's this warm outside. but, and as a sort of 'rebuttal' almost of my last blog, i've been mentally preparing for the fun, optimistic, exciting part of my birthday: what i'm planning to do!

first of all, i want to wake up at a nice, normal-ish, decent hour and head to the gym. the gym always gets my days off to a good start. it's so hard to get there, to leave my nice comfy bed and my terribly snuggly cat, but sometimes that's just what it takes. my days are always, always worse when i don't go the gym; the slightest little aura of non-productivity clouds everything else i do, no matter how productive i am throughout the rest of the day. so on my birthday, of all days, the gym is totally necessary.

i plan to take the longest, warmest shower next, letting all my muscles relax and be happy birthday muscles. i'll make myself a big breakfast and watch some television, and read some blogs, the usual, taking my time, letting the birthday glow surround me.

next, i hope to have gotten a few gift certificates/money/have saved some money up, so i can take a little solo shopping trip. perhaps i'll hit up ulta and buy a bottle of perfume, or finally invest in a chi straightening iron. perhaps i'll drop in target and buy sweaters and dresses and colorful tights.

after shopping til i drop, i believe a birthday mani-pedi is in order. i want to wear OPI's either 'you don't know jacques' or 'tickle my france-y' or perhaps a fingers-toes combo of les deux?



after that, as tradition seems to be dictating (as this will be the third year in a row!!), a birthday dinner at solstice will be in order, nullifying all my gym efforts of that morning. full disclosure: solstice is my motivation for the gym. you should see me the morning of a wine dinner!

i love going to a nice dinner on my birthday. i've never really been the "i'm headed to a bar and taking shots and blacking out" girl on my birthday. it's usually been about going out for desserts, or splitting a bottle of wine, or glasses of champagne, and above all dressing up. even when i was dressing up to not even go anywhere. i love dressing up on my birthday and eating good food and being around people who make me laugh and having a couple (a few...) cocktails, and just skipping and dancing around and relishing the free-spiritedness of celebrating my existence!

so to say i'm excited seems to be an understatement. my only wish is that i had a girlfriend to share all of this with. the shopping and the pampering at least. the birthday dinner has been more of a nate-and-emma thing, although getting a huge group of my oldest and dearest friends together and infiltrating the private dining room has its temptations as well. one of these days, caitlin will find a way to be with me on the day, just as one of these days, i'll find some way to with her on her day too. these are the realities of life after college, folks!

either way, my positivity remains. i just can't wait! even while i'm being so strange and introspective and 'what have i done with my life?' i'm still super-excited about being twenty-five. i guess i'll officially be mid-twenties, and that's neat.

aux anniversaires, mes amis! un jour pour seulement vous; est-ce qu'il y a quelque chose plus parfaite?

(in other news, my french is failing.)

fifteen days.

there are fifteen days before my 25th birthday, so i'm sitting and writing and reflecting on my life, which i suppose is what you do when there are a mere two weeks standing between you and your 25th birthday.

reflecting on things such as...

i want to move, i can't wait to move.
i want a surprise birthday party. how does one go about getting herself a surprise birthday party when it's supposed to be a surprise but the idea of one needs to get into the heads of those who can throw said surprise birthday party? and if it were to be, of course, the DREAM surprise birthday party, how would one get all her friends that she hasn't seen and semi-desperately needs to see all in one place for said surprise birthday party?
why am i obsessing over a surprise birthday party?
maybe i just want a party. i haven't been to a party since college.
get-togethers, sure, but not a party. or maybe i'm just yearning for some sort of bigger get-together. champagne and candles and shots of vodka and friends and laughter and music and dancing and drunkenness.
everyone together, united by fun and freedom.
i'm tired of routine, yet i love it. but i need it to shake itself a bit. i need a day job, something to do with myself other than hang about and watch tv and read. and blog.
i need to write a book.
if not now, then WHEN?
and what would i write about?
france. randolph-macon woman's college. being a broke post-grad waiting tables and needing more and more and more out of life. the past, the present, the future. an autobiography of an almost-25 year old who wonders what she's done with her life.
what have i done with my life?
i'm 25 years old and my biggest accomplishment remains graduating from college and that was almost two and a half years ago and shouldn't i have done something meaningful by now?
meaningful to myself, meaningful to others...shouldn't i have made some sort of difference, some sort of dent on society by now? isn't that what randolph-macon woman's college was all about?
i still feel independent, smart, feminine, feminist, strong, loyal, all those characteristics that have been instilled in me throughout the years and throughout my experiences, but what have i done with it?
people my age and younger are getting married, having children, getting good jobs, pursuing their dreams, traveling, studying, continuing with their life and while i stand here, content, i'm doing just that.
i'm standing. i'm sort of still.
so i work and i work and i work and run and run and run around and try to keep so busy and take so much pride in what i do, know that, but there's just something shameful about answering 'so what do you do?' with 'i'm a server' at almost 25 years old.
will this improve after i start and finish hair school and become a hairstylist? i surely hope and believe so. it's a small dream, but ever so much bigger than i ever thought, but it is my dream and i have to continue to stand still, and be content and work towards it and be okay with being physically still and mentally a bit manic.
the thoughts zip around my head and bang into things. they've always done that.

so i think. that's what i've done in my almost 25 years of life here. i think and i ponder and i analyze and i like to believe whole-heartedly that i grow. i'm still, but i evolve.

i'm still, accompanied by my dreams, my writing, my sharing, my family, my work, my manic thoughts.

c'est bien pour le moment. et j'espere que je puisse vivre dans ce moment.

sha-sha.

that's actually someone's name, sha-sha.

so how do you pronounce it?

sha sha? shay sha? shay shay? sha shay?

nope! none of those, in fact. you pronounce it...

SHADASHA. sha dash a. sha DASH sha. shadasha.

tell me that isn't the most amazing thing you've ever heard! you'd be a liar. unless, of course, you're referring to one of her friends, la-sha. ladasha.

when i'm having a bad day, i think that sorta' sitting back and being happy my name isn't sha-sha will totally snap me out of it.

awesome.