cent choses.

1. every time i look at pictures of angers, france (and mine in particular), i can smell the air there, i can feel the sun on my skin, and i remember precisely the feeling i had at the moment the picture was taken.
2. my eyes always well up when i look at pictures of france.
3. but not in a bad way. more in a 'i need to get back there and be able to do so on a regular basis' kind of way.
4. i think my love for the l word, tegan and sara, and ani difranco reflects my woman's college education.
5. i wish i had the opportunity to dress up more often. lately, i wake up, head to the gym, shower, and hang in sweats until work when i change into work clothes.
6. i need to take up a hobby or something where dressing up has a point, perhaps?
7. i love listening to latin music, salsa in particular, even though i don't understand spanish.
8. i dislike french accents on men, but think they're adorable on women.
9. i love listening to soko as a result of this.
10. i want to shave my head and if i didn't risk losing my both my job and my boyfriend, i would totally go for it. maybe.
11. i don't look at serving as a career.
12. but i have no idea what i want to do.
13. at 23, not knowing what i want to do scares me.
14. i do know that i want to write.
15. but i'm not sure how to go about that.
16. i need to get myself up and out and pushing forward for things like that.
17. ironically, i keep writing about that and not actually doing it.
18. i hate people who are bad at keeping in touch.
19. i'm becoming one of those people.
20. even with all this technology, between cell phones and myspace and facebook and blogs and texting and email, i find it fascinating that anyone can lose touch with anyone else. ever.
21. there are days when i feel soooo responsible.
22. then there are those when i still feel so little and immature and naive.
23. i miss having a girlfriend. i just want someone with whom i can do lunch, go dancing, drink coffee, someone who's right here, not in new york city or prague or denmark or france...
24. i'm losing my french.
25. sometimes, for practice, i talk to myself or the dog in french as i get ready for work or take him for a walk.
26. i'm always scared some neighbor's going to walk by and think i'm crazy for 1) talking to the dog and 2) talking to the dog in french!!
27. when it's warm and sunny outside, ALL i want to do is open all my windows and doors and blast good music and dance.
28. sometimes i wish i were rich and i could just travel and go shopping all day.
29. but the moment after i even think that, i wish that i were more involved in charities and was interested in the peace corps or something.
30. i miss virginia.
31. the reasons i miss virginia are weird, though--bodo's bagels, piles of leaves, and smoking cigarettes on the curlies at macon.
32. when i'm put in new and unfamiliar situations and i'm nervous, i revert back to who i was when i was anorexic.
33. to some extent, i believe i'm a control freak.
34. i'm amazed every day that i've been dating the same boy for more than a year.
35. i'm THRILLED every day that i've been dating the same boy for more than a year.
36. i've always wished that i could play a musical instrument.
37. but, really, it's all about the guitar.
38. when i was little, i had a fantasy about fronting an all-male group and singing my little heart out, a la gwen stefani.
39. i had always been better friends with boys then girls, until i got to randolph-macon.
40. randolph-macon was when i realized for my survival, i better start getting along with women.
41. randolph-macon was when i realized there was a difference between men and boys and women and girls.
42. during my first year of college, i was SO young.
43. during my sophomore year, i started becoming a strong woman.
44. it was then i learned to defend myself.
45. it was then i realized how bitchy and manipulative girls could be.
46. it was then i realized how much better and important it is to have one good friend versus several acquaintances.
47. during my junior year, i got a helluva lot of craziness out of my system.
48. during my senior year, i think i balanced my life really really well, between my senior paper, my other classes, my friends, and my boyfriend. it was the first time i admitted to myself that i was proud of myself.
49. sometimes i regret getting my first tattoo.
50. sometimes i want tattoos of really lame things.
51. i'm happy that i'm smart enough to realize i don't actually want a tattoo of said lame thing before i run out and get it.
52. i don't think i've ever sung in the shower.
53. i have a weakness for chocolate.
54. it grows as i get older.
55. i wish i didn't like smoking cigarettes.
56. life without vice is a life not worth living.
57. sometimes i wish i had never become a vegetarian.
58. even now, i can't seem to fully enjoy most meat.
59. which, i guess, is fine and maybe, in some cases, healthy, but not as fun when you have my job.
60. i like to keep a food journal.
61. i hate writing down the bad things i eat!
62. which i suppose is the point.
63. i want to move.
64. i'm not sure i could live without internet.
65. or television.
66. i mean, i'm sure i could LIVE, but i love internet and television.
67. in my defense, it's not only because i love mindless entertainment, but also because media inspires conversation, which inspires friendship and stimulates the mind.
68. writing 100 things about myself is far more difficult than i ever imagined.
69. even at 23, writing the number 69 makes me giggle a little bit.
70. sometimes i feel like caitlin is more my sister than my actual sister is.
71. they're becoming more even as we all mature.
72. i think my grandmother is one of the most beautiful women in the world.
73. my mother and my sister and caitlin are all up there too.
74. if i were in my grandfather's shoes, i'd be drinking again. and it would be only the most expensive bottles of wine i could lay my hands on.
75. i wish i knew more about wine.
76. and i know that i can use my time during the day in smarter manners. reading about wine, for instance!!
77. i wish i had a stronger jawline.
78. i love nate's jawline. it's one of the first things that ever attracted me to him.
79. i think the gravity of a relationship can be defined by the first things that attract one to another. if it's something random, like jawline, the relationship has a better chance of lasting.
80. this has not been scientifically proven nor even actually tested. by anyone, as far as i know. but i'm curious. theories abound!
81. when i write exclamation points, i write the dot, then the line.
82. i think most people are the opposite. line, then dot. exclamation, then point.
83. sometimes i like to think this makes me unique.
84. i prefer watching films on my couch rather than in a theatre.
85. i prefer to write 'theatre' rather than 'theater.'
86. i love thrift stores, but people always seem to find cooler stuff than me.
87. i miss my breakfasts of pain au chocolat.
88. i miss french yogurt.
89. lately i think i'm addicted to yogurt.
90. i love my pets an inordinate amount.
91. i simultaneously love and hate entering a petsmart.
92. i wonder if i would ever be friends with the people i'm friends with if i had never worked with them, gone to school with them, lived in france with them...
93. but, then again, how else do you make friends, really? i don't know...
94. i used to be a much better dancer.
95. i want to start taking ballet again.
96. i think if i really let myself go, i could be a much cooler person.
97. i think that's what i do with nate, with caitlin, in france, and that's why i always like myself more in those instances.
98. the best meal i've ever had was still breakfast at the flying biscuit in atlanta.
99. i'm a sucker for breakfast. it would be my last meal.
100. i'm surrounded by love and i know how fortunate i am. and i know i deserve it.